It is 17 hours before the first MKMMA kick off webinar. I am reading through all the documents I printed. Watching any last videos. Dotting I’s and crossing T’s. Nervous about change. So many thoughts swirling in my mind. Will I like or even know me on the other side? This journey is so important. I want to be the best me ever. I want to like me and be proud of me. So many things I want to accomplish in life yet. I am 54 and it is time for feeling bad about myself to change. Time to stop hiding.
I feel like I am alone on a island of despair with time collapsing at an ever quickening pace. I do have big networks of people but I am afraid to let them see me. Why? Because I do not fully know me? or fully know what I want? As an analytic who expects perfection this is a constant battle in my mind.
One of my struggles… I am divorced and even though my decree declares that I have 50% custody of my kids it has not worked out that way, I have only seen them 15 days in the last three years. I raised them while my ex wife was ill with a brain tumor. I miss them and want them back into my life. I need to earn enough money so I can buy them back. I know I can never recover the lost time but maybe I can have new and greater times with them in the future.
Random thoughts. If I can’t accept me how can anyone else? No man in my direct lineage on my fathers side has made it past 59. I want to be the first. What will I do with that time. How can I build a great legacy for my kids.